Eén klap van de deur en ik ben net zo vrij als jij *

* "one bang of the door and I am as free as you are" (from "Geef me de zomer", Paul de Leeuw, Album: Stille Liedjes. For the complete text see next post.)

I only can wish that it would be that easy. I learned yesterday that Erik doesn't want to continue our relationship. No choice for me - I only have the task to accept his decision. (Though I'd give anything right now to make him change his mind, I realize that it's not an option. I will have to deal with the new facts of live.)

I'm on a emotional roller coaster since we talked. I still see in him the man I want to grow old with and that's exactly what's not going to happen. My feelings vary from deeply sad, to angry, to the impression of having been used and thrown away like a damaged toy, to afraid of the future, to lack of understanding and the question why we throw our common past away that easy, haven't we been soul mates for each other? Where's the "team" we have formed for so many years? I know that Erik had apparently the same questions when we agreed about our "time out", how can he come to this conclusion? Was everything worthless? Looking back I give meaning to certain signals (right or wrong? Only one person can tell).

I will have a last chance to ask Erik about his motives. And as I see it right now after that, I'd like to be separated by an ocean from him for a long time. I'm hurt right now, and I need space and time to cry my tears and heal my wounds.

De kou komt binnen, de herfst kan beginnen de kou in mij... *