Relaxing in Cologne

After a wonderful weekend in Cologne things look different this week. I was reading my last post and see that my feelings have been stabilized again. Of course I am still angry, disappointed and sad about the end of my relationship with Erik, but the pain is less then it was last Thursday. Cologne has taught me three lessons:

1. There are people who really care about me
2. I can organize my own fun
3. It feels good to act very intuitive again, and just do what seems to be right at the moment.

Again I was surprised last Saturday how close Cologne is to Zwolle. My Mio maps told me it was only 225 km. I was driving there in 2,5 hours. So I was checked in to the little hotel and on my way to the city by 1 PM already.

I went to the open house of Bear Magazine and met a lot of people there that I know. I was really surprised when I got out of the lift and saw Bill and Barry Rothstein from Tampa. Bill's a contact of mine from FlickR, who had always been very nice to me. After that I did a little shopping, went to Barflo for a cappuccino and called Alain who had just returned to his hotel because his partner Jean Luc needed some rest. We agreed to have a drink later on and have dinner together.

Dinner was fun. The pizzeria we went to was in the vicinity of the Stadthalle in Mülheim and it was full of bears.

At the Stadthalle, the place were the party was held, the atmosphere was like a high school reunion. I chatted to a lot of people. At a certain time I met Aldo, who I knew from Cologne Pride last summer. (He's the guy I will be visiting next Friday in Paris.) It was strange to meet him again for the first time after June and the exchange of just a few e-mails in the last weeks, but at the same time it also felt very confident. We enjoyed the show and the presentation of the candidates together. And what happened after the party will be our secret.

The next day I had lunch at Bagelstation (YUMMY) and headed off to the bathhouse. I saw that Cees from Amsterdam was there and we chatted a lot. Especially the lottery with prices no one wanted to have was fun because it was so annoying. I learned to know J.D. from San Diego, an adorable, nice and very warm and handsome man. It's really good to meet new people.

At 10 PM I headed home. Tired but very satisfied I fell in bed at 12.30 AM.

Eén klap van de deur en ik ben net zo vrij als jij *

* "one bang of the door and I am as free as you are" (from "Geef me de zomer", Paul de Leeuw, Album: Stille Liedjes. For the complete text see next post.)

I only can wish that it would be that easy. I learned yesterday that Erik doesn't want to continue our relationship. No choice for me - I only have the task to accept his decision. (Though I'd give anything right now to make him change his mind, I realize that it's not an option. I will have to deal with the new facts of live.)

I'm on a emotional roller coaster since we talked. I still see in him the man I want to grow old with and that's exactly what's not going to happen. My feelings vary from deeply sad, to angry, to the impression of having been used and thrown away like a damaged toy, to afraid of the future, to lack of understanding and the question why we throw our common past away that easy, haven't we been soul mates for each other? Where's the "team" we have formed for so many years? I know that Erik had apparently the same questions when we agreed about our "time out", how can he come to this conclusion? Was everything worthless? Looking back I give meaning to certain signals (right or wrong? Only one person can tell).

I will have a last chance to ask Erik about his motives. And as I see it right now after that, I'd like to be separated by an ocean from him for a long time. I'm hurt right now, and I need space and time to cry my tears and heal my wounds.

De kou komt binnen, de herfst kan beginnen de kou in mij... *

Geef me de zomer (lyrics)

'k Heb vast niet goed gekeken, het duurde lang voor ik het wist
Want zoals jij het noemt signalen 'k heb ze allemaal gemist
Kijk ik nu weer in je ogen, jij staart naar die van mij
'k Zie de beelden van de zomer, maar ik voel er niets meer bij
'k Zie me lachen om een rangs in een geluidloos dejavue
Je was de allermooiste zomerdief, maar het is oktober nu

Geef me de zomer, geef me de zomer weer nog een keer laat het me zien
De zomer geef me de zomer weer

'k Heb vast niet goed gekeken, maar hoe gaf je het dan aan
Zag jij in al die zomernachten dat het nu al fout zou gaan
Kijk me een keer in mijn ogen lief, ik wil weten wat jij ziet
In ineens zie ik wat jij al wist, de regen staat je niet

Geef me de zomer, geef me de zomer weer nog een keer laat het me zien
De zomer geef me de zomer weer

Het is u wachten totdat iemand zegt het is beter om te gaan
En al zie ik dat je bang bent lief, ik durf het ook niet an

Dus ik hoor mezelf zeggen weet je nog die zomernacht
Ik sluit mijn ogen als je opstaat alsof je hierop hebt gewacht
'k Heb vast niet goed gekeken en het doet er niet meer toe
Niet nu je bij de deur staat, nu je zachtjes bij me weggaat
De kou komt binnen, de herfst kan beginnen de kou in mij
Een klap van de deur en ik ben net zo vrij als jij

Serious cold

For some reasons unknown to me, I caught a very serious cold. It started last week, but on Friday it was turning from bad to worse. I wasn't in the mood to go to the annual reception of R10 (a graphic arts workshop here in Zwolle). So I skipped that part. Later on that Friday night I had volunteered to screen a movie at the Fraterhuis (one of the volunteers that should be in charge that evening had become ill). I saw the end of Micheal Moore's new movie "Sicko". Too bad I couldn't see it all, but I'm quite sure that we will have it back in the cinema.

On Saturday I did my grocery shoppings for this week and finished cleaning the house. On Sunday Pino came to visit me. After brunch we went for an extended walk in the woods and back home again some chocolates were waiting for us that Pino had bought in Paris at Cacao et Chocolat. He had brought the dark chocolate ganache with chestnut. They taste just heavenly!

After we watched some episodes of "That's my Bush" we prepared our dinner and then it was time to bring Pino back to the railway station :-(

This morning I woke up feeling very sick: big headache, I couldn't breath, coughing and feeling weak. So I called my boss that I was not able to come to work today. Too bad that we had a very interesting course today, that I had to miss. But it would have been really impossible to go to work. I was sleeping nearly all day long. I got out of bed at 4 PM and I'm pooped again now at midnight.

Ich bin ein Gummibär

This song is on Youtube all over the place and available in any language.



Jag Är En Gummibjörn
I'm a Gummy Bear
Tutti Frutti
Je m'appelle Funny Bear
Itt Van A Gummimaci
Osito Gominola

Jesus in Hollywood

... a variation of the famous Aliensong ...

Today's tidy up day ...

Eating out

To celebrate the ISO quality certificate (HKZ) the organization I work for got in September we (the project group quality management + the CEO) were having dinner at Poppe. The second best restaurant in Zwolle. The dinner was a feast for the eyes, the nose and the tongue. Having excellent food can be so satisfying for me.

Mir wëlle bleiwe wat mir sin

Last weekend I made it to d' Groussherzogtum Lëtzebuerg or in English to Luxembourg. The journey to Luxembourg was an adventure of it's own. Though it is only a little more then 400 km and my navigation system thought that the trip would take like 4,5 hours, it took me more then 6 hours.

I left Zwolle at 12.30 h and all went well to Arnhem. From there I had traffic jams between Arnhem and Nijmegen, around Venlo, around and in Maastricht and in Liège. But the worst thing was then just about to happen. Once I had crossed the river Amblève in the Ardennes I saw some white stuff on the ground. It occurred to me that it might be snow. And while I was still enjoying the early white gift from the clouds it started to snow. A few kilometer further I found myself in a big snowstorm. At the highest elevation of the road near Baraque de Fraiture the snow was accumulating on the pavement and I could hardly see further then 100 m. It was quite scary but I finally made it in one piece to Luxembourg. The place I had visited before 25 years ago, and that didn't catch me back then.

Alain, my host did everything to make me feel comfortable and to show me around in his city. Needles to say that we stopped for a coffee and some pastries during the big tour. D E L I C I O U S ! ! ! In the patisserie we also bought some Luxembourg specialty: Paté de Riesling, that we had as a starter for the dinner, that we were about to cook in the evening.

The weekend was extremely relaxing, Alain was a perfect host and I can't thank him enough for having me over.

Susan: "...and then you killed him?"

But the best line on this week's Desperate housewives (S4/E06) was, ........ oh stop I'm not supposed to give away a clue of the story. So I restrain myself to the second best. Bree: "Unfortunately our bleeding-heart town council forbids us from using light ammunition in our own back yard."
So you can tell what I did tonight after firing up my stove.

Fanfare!

Since I told myself that I am still pitiful (LOL) and that I ought to spoil myself [any excuse is good enough :-), you see], I just did that: Yesterday I cashed my coupons from Bol.com. I got those because I participated in an internet panel of my bank (profit: € 19,-).
I fulfilled a wish that I have for years and I was all the time waiting for the box to come out: Bert Haansta's complete works. Well finally it was released this year in September. I ordered it yesterday and it should arrive today.

Work's not always work ...

...sometimes it's worse. When I was on my management classes last week, one of my teams was doing strange things. They were writing me e-mails telling they made an own calculation of what their production should be and that they thought it was enough for this year. Well as far as I know I am their team manager and I tell them how big their production should be. For me it felt like they mistrusted me and they were placing them selfs out of the organization they work for. I was very angry not only because of this incident, but they have a history of doing this kind of shit and I thought we got over it.
So yesterday we were supposed to talk about their mails, but they were pulling back everything. All was a misunderstanding, not intended to be taken seriously, a joke. So the problem keeps under the table. After a weekend of rage (last weekend), I'm now very disappointed that the conflict is still under the table.
On top of that I had two new employees whom I had to give a lot of instructions. I was wiped out yesterday evening. I fell in bed and was sleeping the moment I hit my pillow.